When I first named this blog, I was a little worried people
would think it inspired by “People of Wal-Mart.” Not so.
Making fun of morbidly obese individuals who don’t have the cognitive
ability to dress themselves appropriately is only moderately humorous one time,
unless said person has a wildly inappropriate tattoo somewhere on their
back. Then it’s funny every time.
No, this blog was a lot more inspired by finding a Power-Man
and Iron Fist action figure duo at Target.
You may not think it’s weird, but finding packaged action figures based
on a comic that ended its run 25 years ago and was never popular even back then,
well, that’s weird. Especially at
Target. I wouldn’t even expect that sort
of spectacle at my nearest comic specialty shop (big ups to Captain Comic on
Beechmont).
Needless to say it was one of my favorite comics, and I
purchased the figures and they are now sitting in my basement, still packaged,
right between my (opened) “Shop S-Mart” Ash, complete with boomstick, and my
(still packaged) Xander Harris construction worker figure, circa Season 7. God I’m the coolest.
Which brings me to the things I find weird at
Wal-Mart. It actually started just a few
months ago when I was walking back to the electronics section, and I passed a
packaged action figure duo. No, I’m not
repeating myself. I haven’t lost (all)
of my short term memory just yet.
It was THIS duo:
Although on the surface they seem like perfectly normal
toys, there are a number of strange things about this product. Number one, they seem to be a tie-in with the
movie “Wolverine: X-Men origins.” I haven’t had the will (or is it just plain unabashed
stupidity?) to sit through that god-awful piece of tripe, but I don’t believe
either Colossus or Cyclops were in the film.
Number two, Cyclops is simultaneously grabbing his head and his
crotch. I believe that is a move more
associated with Captain EO than Cyclops.
Number three, fittingly enough, is the associated film is
three years old. I guess the reason they
are still on the shelf is because it was a really shitty film, the characters
packaged have no viable connection to said film, and because they are on
clearance for TWENTY-FOUR DOLLARS!
I believe I paid $11.99 for my Power-Man and Iron Fist, and
I cringed at forking over that much hard-earned cash. Twenty-four dollars? For a movie nobody has ever said anything
good about? For two characters not even
in the film? ON CLEARANCE?!
I should probably point out the obvious reason this diamond
in the rough is worth its weight in paper exchange is the giant blue sticker at
the top. It’s a Wal-Mart EXCLUSIVE. One day it will probably be worth big
money. I mock Colossus and Cyclops, but
I’m stowing away my Wal-Mart exclusive copy of Foreigner’s “Can’t Slow Down”
album for the day when it will be worth its weight in whatever monetary unit we
use in the future. Personally I’m hoping
human livers or possum tongues.
And what was right beneath the ill-bred “collector’s
edition” of two characters with no modern day following and so far removed from
Chris Claremont’s rabid fan base nobody would even take the time to glance at
it twice?
That’s right, a giant bin of wooden slide whistles.
I have no idea what you would do with a slide whistle. Ostensibly you would use it to, well, whistle
a jaunty tune. But who do you buy a
slide whistle for? I can’t imagine
anybody over the age of five would want to do anything besides set it on
fire. Furthermore, I can’t believe any
adult who isn’t simply addled would want any child under six to have it, for
fear he would use it with such fervor and so unrelentingly you would simply
want to cram it down his throat. I feel
like the slide whistle can probably be laid to rest with such great toys as
jacks or paddle ball or those stupid drums with beads on the side you shake
back and forth between your palms…….yeah, you know what I’m talking about…
I feel like this blog is becoming somewhat superhero-centric
but, in all fairness, I found every item here on the same clearance island. So here we find a Nick Fury action
figure. There is absolutely nothing odd
about this figure. Well, I mean, except
it is a Nick Fury action figure. Who
wants Captain America or Thor or Iron Man or Hulk or, hell, even Black Widow or
Hawkeye when they can have NICK FURY! He
stalks around in the background and shoots a 9mm at Norse Gods! Oh, Nick Fury, you’re dreamy!
I took the picture because it looks so goddamned much like Samuel L Jackson I find it just a little eerie. I’m glad he’s an eye short else his steely gaze would be staring right in to my soul. And the last place I want Sam Jack is in my soul. Also, in the bottom right hand corner, it states INCLUDES WEAPONS! As if you can’t see that by looking through the clear plastic packaging. It’s a good thing too, because Fury without guns is like Cap without his shield, or Spidey without his webs, or the Hulk without his…..giant pummeling fists?
Mmmmm……
Finally (for now) I ran across Buttontails, by LaLaLoopsy. For those of you who don’t know me
personally, I happen to not be a 10 year old girl, so I don’t know anything
about the LaLaLoopsy line of toys. I
tried to research it at lalaloopsy.com, before I realized I didn’t really give
a shit, and neither do you. This was
shortly after I clicked the catalog to try and gather extra information about
Buttontails, and discovered there were 155 items for me to wade through. On the first page there was a mermaid
packaged with a pet blowfish though, so that’s cool.
The toy is kind of like a Mr. Potato Head, I guess, with some
items appearing removable and some you have to sew on. I didn’t actually handle the product, but I
gather this from the slogan at the bottom stating “Sew Magical Sew Cute!” Oh, what a pun. I didn’t have the foresight to get the clearance
price in the picture, but Buttontails’ “list price” on Amazon is $16.99.
Looks at Buttontails.
Look real close. Do you see what
I see? Buttontails is a FUCKING
SOCK! How in the hell are they gonna
sell a stuffed sock with ears for $16.99?
I know it comes with button eyes and limp pieces of heart-shaped cloth
as well, but come on now….
Look, I’m all behind anything that gives little girls the
chance to start honing their domestic skills by teaching how to darn socks at
an early age, but you can get a Fruit of the Loom 6-pack of socks for $5.99,
and little Sally can still have $10.99 to pick out whatever various items she
wants to sew on to them. Or she can cut
the socks apart and sew them together and make a giant Buttonzilla. Hm.
This actually sounds like a viable use of my time. Buttonzilla may be making an appearance at
some time in the future.
I’m not very good with a needle and thread. Though I did personally sew up this sweet pig pillow back in,
say, 6th grade home economics?
Can’t be faded.
Finally, here’s somebody killing it on a slide whistle. Get it, son!
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