Thursday, July 19, 2012


There are a number of important opportunities to take advantage of when one’s significant other is out of town.  The two most important, however, are turning up the air conditioner, and drinking plenty of beer.  And also maybe eating a can of Spam.

I’ve never had Spam before, at least not that I remember, but when a fellow co-worker jokingly mentioned it as something a bachelor would eat, I decided it just felt right.  The 24oz Pabst Blue Ribbon I added of my own accord.  I actually like PBR.  I know, I know, it’s laden in hipster-rich chic, but I honestly don’t think its flavor is dreadful.  And I’ve tried my share of cheap beers.  Burger, Hudepohl, Hamm’s, Schlitz, Natty Light, Old Milwaukee, and I find Pabst to be the best of them all, not a terribly far cry from its much more popular domestic brethren and much cheaper.  Oh, and also, for the hipster in me, this:

I wasn’t quite sure how to “prepare” spam.  Both on the front and back of the can it is prepared as a sandwich, so I figured this was the best route to go.  I had to stop by Kroger in order to get a loaf of bread, as the one in my home had been ridden with a bit of the fungal growth.

At first I thought it might be kind of ironic to eat it on some fancy bread, but after a short, yet heated, internal argument, I decided I wanted to sort of stick with the “everyman” Spam meal.  I think of Spam as an affordable working man’s meat, and the working man, he don’t give a spit about Pepperidge Farm’s thin-sliced Deli Rye and Pumpernickel swirled half loaf.  Nor Brownberry’s 10 Grain “Health-full” half loaf.

And after looking…..neither did I.  I mean, really?  $4.29 for a half loaf of bread?  What could make it so much better?  Oh, your bread has more grains than mine?  And also it has a few oats in the crust?  You know what, I’d just as soon buy the Kroger brand of Lite White.  It tastes like bread and it has a picture of a mother playing with her daughter on the front.  You know what $4.29 doesn’t buy Pepperidge Farms?  Family wholesomeness.  Maybe you should think of that when you’re trying to sell 16 slices of Goldfish-shaped thin slices for five bucks, you gimmicky rip-off artists! 

The makings of my meal.  My co-worker (Mr. Douglas Kuhlman….although around my crib I refer to him as Riptide, since he is one of the few people I have ever met who actually remembers the short-lived TV show Riptide) had mentioned I should have an egg with my Spam.  I’m sure he meant a fried egg, but I have a lot of hard-boiled eggs premade.  I think it’s the thought of having an egg with a meal that doesn’t really need an egg anyway.  The working man loves eggs.  Easy and filling.  Just like the ideal woman.

A super dramatic pic of the top of the Spam can. I love cans of food with pull tabs.  It makes me feel like I’m in some post-apocalyptic America, trudging down gray, desolate countryside.  With every step the dust kicked up from my boots making me more and more thirsty.  Finally, weak with hunger and near delusional I stumble in to a 1950s ranch-stlye home.  I collapse on the floor and there, right in my line of sight, I see a small, raised ring…..a trap door!  A bomb shelter!  With the last remnants of my strength I pull the ring and the door flies open, revealing true, pure darkness.  Ever so cautiously I descend the rickety stairs in to the shelter with the help of my trusty flashlight.  Beneath is a cornucopia of canned goods.  Vegetables!  Beans!  Preservatives!  Meats!  If it turns out I am the last survivor of the human race, at least I can fill that void in my soul with a spoonful of potted meat and a side of Bumbleberry Jam.

 If you’re wondering what that is on the far end, it’s a seal proclaiming the 75th anniversary of Spam.  The best thing about it?  When I opened the can of spam, you could see the indention of the seal pressed in to the top of the meat product.  Delicious.

Sans can, in all of its pinkish, gleaming glory.  I’m pretty sure, if you look real hard, right in the corner, you can make out the face of Jesus.  Or maybe that's the mascot from the Bad Boy Club clothing line.  No, really.  Google image search it.  He's right there.  In my Spam.

Cookin’ it up…….mmmmm…..just a bit brown on the edges now, don’t wanna over fry it…if you can do such a thing to processed/cured/nebulous/ham-bits.

The finished product.  I lightly toasted the bread and added a slice of Swiss cheese, because that’s what I had in the fridge.  In retrospect I kind of which it would have been a slice of neon-orange, individually packaged, Kraft American cheese, because that’s what I picture working everyman having in his fridge.  But cheese is cheese, and this sandwich was certainly not going to do without. 

Both of the pictures on the can had a tomato, so I added a tomato.  It might be overkill, but I think it adds some much needed class to the proceedings.  I considered adding a condiment as well, say mustard or mayonnaise, but I didn’t want to completely kill the flavor of the Spam.  I think this is one pork-based conglomeration needing to be TASTED.

The final three word verdict?  “Damn that’s SALTY!”  I guess you have to add a lot of salt to canned meat you want to keep edible for 5+ years.  I have to say, the tomato cut the salt a bit which made it much more palatable, and I eventually added a bit of spicy mustard, which even made it better.  I think I could enjoy a Spam sandwich every once and again provided it was dressed with lettuce, cheese, tomato and mustard, preferably spicy brown.  Although maybe, just maybe, I should try it in some of the ways this commercial recommends.  Did somebody say Spam pizza?!


Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Weird Stuff at the Local Wal-Mart

When I first named this blog, I was a little worried people would think it inspired by “People of Wal-Mart.”  Not so.  Making fun of morbidly obese individuals who don’t have the cognitive ability to dress themselves appropriately is only moderately humorous one time, unless said person has a wildly inappropriate tattoo somewhere on their back.  Then it’s funny every time.

No, this blog was a lot more inspired by finding a Power-Man and Iron Fist action figure duo at Target.  You may not think it’s weird, but finding packaged action figures based on a comic that ended its run 25 years ago and was never popular even back then, well, that’s weird.  Especially at Target.  I wouldn’t even expect that sort of spectacle at my nearest comic specialty shop (big ups to Captain Comic on Beechmont).

Needless to say it was one of my favorite comics, and I purchased the figures and they are now sitting in my basement, still packaged, right between my (opened) “Shop S-Mart” Ash, complete with boomstick, and my (still packaged) Xander Harris construction worker figure, circa Season 7.  God I’m the coolest.

Which brings me to the things I find weird at Wal-Mart.  It actually started just a few months ago when I was walking back to the electronics section, and I passed a packaged action figure duo.  No, I’m not repeating myself.  I haven’t lost (all) of my short term memory just yet.

It was THIS duo:

Although on the surface they seem like perfectly normal toys, there are a number of strange things about this product.  Number one, they seem to be a tie-in with the movie “Wolverine: X-Men origins.” I haven’t had the will (or is it just plain unabashed stupidity?) to sit through that god-awful piece of tripe, but I don’t believe either Colossus or Cyclops were in the film.  Number two, Cyclops is simultaneously grabbing his head and his crotch.  I believe that is a move more associated with Captain EO than Cyclops.

Number three, fittingly enough, is the associated film is three years old.  I guess the reason they are still on the shelf is because it was a really shitty film, the characters packaged have no viable connection to said film, and because they are on clearance for TWENTY-FOUR DOLLARS!

I believe I paid $11.99 for my Power-Man and Iron Fist, and I cringed at forking over that much hard-earned cash.  Twenty-four dollars?  For a movie nobody has ever said anything good about?  For two characters not even in the film?  ON CLEARANCE?!

I should probably point out the obvious reason this diamond in the rough is worth its weight in paper exchange is the giant blue sticker at the top.  It’s a Wal-Mart EXCLUSIVE.  One day it will probably be worth big money.  I mock Colossus and Cyclops, but I’m stowing away my Wal-Mart exclusive copy of Foreigner’s “Can’t Slow Down” album for the day when it will be worth its weight in whatever monetary unit we use in the future.  Personally I’m hoping human livers or possum tongues.

And what was right beneath the ill-bred “collector’s edition” of two characters with no modern day following and so far removed from Chris Claremont’s rabid fan base nobody would even take the time to glance at it twice?

That’s right, a giant bin of wooden slide whistles.

I have no idea what you would do with a slide whistle.  Ostensibly you would use it to, well, whistle a jaunty tune.  But who do you buy a slide whistle for?  I can’t imagine anybody over the age of five would want to do anything besides set it on fire.  Furthermore, I can’t believe any adult who isn’t simply addled would want any child under six to have it, for fear he would use it with such fervor and so unrelentingly you would simply want to cram it down his throat.  I feel like the slide whistle can probably be laid to rest with such great toys as jacks or paddle ball or those stupid drums with beads on the side you shake back and forth between your palms…….yeah, you know what I’m talking about…

I feel like this blog is becoming somewhat superhero-centric but, in all fairness, I found every item here on the same clearance island.  So here we find a Nick Fury action figure.  There is absolutely nothing odd about this figure.  Well, I mean, except it is a Nick Fury action figure.  Who wants Captain America or Thor or Iron Man or Hulk or, hell, even Black Widow or Hawkeye when they can have NICK FURY!  He stalks around in the background and shoots a 9mm at Norse Gods!  Oh, Nick Fury, you’re dreamy!

I took the picture because it looks so goddamned much like Samuel L Jackson I find it just a little eerie.  I’m glad he’s an eye short else his steely gaze would be staring right in to my soul.  And the last place I want Sam Jack is in my soul.  Also, in the bottom right hand corner, it states INCLUDES WEAPONS!  As if you can’t see that by looking through the clear plastic packaging.  It’s a good thing too, because Fury without guns is like Cap without his shield, or Spidey without his webs, or the Hulk without his…..giant pummeling fists?


Finally (for now) I ran across Buttontails, by LaLaLoopsy.  For those of you who don’t know me personally, I happen to not be a 10 year old girl, so I don’t know anything about the LaLaLoopsy line of toys.  I tried to research it at, before I realized I didn’t really give a shit, and neither do you.  This was shortly after I clicked the catalog to try and gather extra information about Buttontails, and discovered there were 155 items for me to wade through.  On the first page there was a mermaid packaged with a pet blowfish though, so that’s cool.

The toy is kind of like a Mr. Potato Head, I guess, with some items appearing removable and some you have to sew on.  I didn’t actually handle the product, but I gather this from the slogan at the bottom stating “Sew Magical Sew Cute!”  Oh, what a pun.  I didn’t have the foresight to get the clearance price in the picture, but Buttontails’ “list price” on Amazon is $16.99.

Looks at Buttontails.  Look real close.  Do you see what I see?  Buttontails is a FUCKING SOCK!  How in the hell are they gonna sell a stuffed sock with ears for $16.99?  I know it comes with button eyes and limp pieces of heart-shaped cloth as well, but come on now….

Look, I’m all behind anything that gives little girls the chance to start honing their domestic skills by teaching how to darn socks at an early age, but you can get a Fruit of the Loom 6-pack of socks for $5.99, and little Sally can still have $10.99 to pick out whatever various items she wants to sew on to them.  Or she can cut the socks apart and sew them together and make a giant Buttonzilla.  Hm.  This actually sounds like a viable use of my time.  Buttonzilla may be making an appearance at some time in the future.

I’m not very good with a needle and thread.  Though I did personally sew up this sweet pig pillow back in, say, 6th grade home economics?  Can’t be faded. 

Finally, here’s somebody killing it on a slide whistle.  Get it, son!