After a marked lull in activity on my blog for the last month during which time I was busy writing horror movie reviews at In the Queue, I revisited for the first time just a few weeks ago. I was shocked to see, in the last month, the viewings of my site had doubled! I’m not sure what I can attribute this spike in interest to except maybe people love tongue-in-cheek articles about meat products, since the majority of hits seemed to stem from my Goetta and Spam entries.
Or maybe, just maybe, it is time my self-depreciating, semi-acerbic wit, my tendency to carouse, my boundless knowledge of pop culture, and my ability to string together marginally related words to create partially coherent sentences to finally be truly appreciated.
Regardless, I best strike while the iron is hot, which is why I’m bringing out the big guns. The GO-BOTS!
When I was a kid, I hated the Go-Bots. To my recollection I had exactly two in my toy collection. Screwhead (because he has a screw...for a head) and Pathfinder who, supposedly, is a female Go-Bot. I was completely unaware of this until I went to look for a screen shot of her. But now that I look at this pic of “her,” I totally see the feminine qualities. Large, broad shoulders, some sort of bonnet, and a bow-tie. Screams the fairer sex. How did I ever overlook it?
One thing was for sure, they sucked. I wasn’t a kid who owned a bunch of Transformers growing up, so this wasn't the litmus test by which they were measured, although even with only a couple of each in my collection it was obvious Transformers were FAR superior toys. Me? I was a He-Man/GI Joe/Thundercats guy. I'm telling you right now, the feminine wiles of Teela were much more enchanting than the blocky, cold, asexual feel of a robot. That being said, who didn't have a little bit of a crush on Arcee?
The Go-Bots were just so damned generic. To transform Pathfinder you folded her in half and to transform Screwhead I’m pretty sure you just tipped him over.
I never knew the Go-Bots as popular toys. I thought everybody felt the same way I did about them. But they had cartoons, paint with water books, activity books, Nestle Quik tie-ins, cereals….oh, wait, no, they didn’t have a cereal at all. They didn’t have Colorforms either, which is a PRETTY good measuring stick of popularity. Maybe they weren’t so beloved after all.
But what they did have was MODELS. Good thing, because I’m really tired of living vicariously through Dr. Wiley. My deep seeded need to build a robot without any knowledge of how to actually build a robot can finally be fulfilled!
I bought the Buggyman model off EBAY. I picked Buggyman because he was cheaper than the other models I found on EBAY. He must be the scrub Go-Bot. For those of you who only speak Transformer, Buggyman would be the equivalent of Sideswipe. Remember him? No? Neither do I.
I was kind of surprised when I received the package. Kind of small. I was expecting something at least the size of, say, a puzzle box. It was more the size of the palm of my hand. I thought, being a giant robot, it might be a little more grandiose. Of course, for all I know, the Go-Bots were actually very tiny. Like Transformers meets The Littles
My good friend Buffalo is going to help me build this bad boy. Doesn't have the same ring as Jim or Jack, but just as effective and twice as tasty.
Here are all the pieces spread on my card table. Looks pretty meager, eh? You betcha’ it does. But let’s just wait to see it when it’s done. Just break out ye old instructions here. Hey, there’s a description right on here of Buggyman!
“Buggyman is a ferocious robot from the planet GoBotron, located in a distant galaxy. With a few simple movements he is transformed into a dune buggy. He’s a real mean machine!”
Ah yes, dune buggies, the meanest of all machines. I guess, based on my viewing of Mad Max 2, he’ll be pretty important after the apocalypse. But for now only important for those times when you have to traverse a desert. Or joyride on a beach. Even in the lame world of the Go-Bots, Buggyman is at the bottom of the totem. Unless “GoBotron” is rife with dunes. GoBotron. Seriously.
Let’s get in to the actual directions. Step 1. Check. Step 2. Check. Step 3……cement? Step 6…..paint? Step 9…mild detergent? What the hell? I thought this thing would just snap together. I don’t have this crap just sitting around the house. Damn, Dr. Wiley had it easy.
It took me 50 times longer to write the last 700 words then it did to be foiled in my original attempt at building the Go-Bots model. But with a Dale’s Pale Ale and a shot of Buffalo already in my gullet, with my Les McCann and Eddie Harris record playing, I was inspired to build SOMETHING.
How about THE MILLENIUM FALCON?! This has been sitting in my closet for about a year or so now. I picked it up for $4 at the Goodwill. It's a 3-D puzzle. Seemed like a steal. I’ve hesitated to make it because it touts “super challenging” right there on the front of the box. Welp, no time like the present!
Ugh, look at it. Intimidating. Kind of oozing out of the box, like The Blob. Better turn all the pieces over.
Holy shit. It’s just gray. So very gray. Painfully gray. It’s going to be like putting together a black and white picture of the sky. And 3-D puzzles aren’t like other puzzles, all the pieces don’t just go together. Oh, no. I gotta make the top, the bottom, the sides, the back, the wings, all separately then fold it all together like some sort of malevolent origami! Not to mention there are too many pieces to fit comfortably on my card table, so I have them spread everywhere…some on the lid of a tote, some still in the box. God knows if they are even all there. A bit more daunting then I had hoped. This calls for some more Buffalo Trace and another beer.
A couple more shots and another Dale's Pale Ale later. The Blob has consumed me. I Got about 6 pieces put together, but two of them were together straight out of the box. Han Solo is somewhere crying in to his beer as we speak.