Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Falcon Always Was Lame

You know what I recently discovered? Almost every day I see something…on the street, in a movie, on the TV…usually on TV...that infuriates me. Or, at the very least, makes me say, “WTF?”

Part of this is my attitude. I’m cynical through and through. I trend towards the “If I don’t see it I don’t believe it” mentality. I rarely believe second hand information and never, ever third hand. Sometimes even I am contemptuous of my skeptical, sarcastic attitude. I’ll see something on TV and think, “I hate this,” and then think, somewhat exhaustedly, “Do I really hate that? Do I hate everything?” Yes, I believe I do.

Like I just saw a commercial for the George Lopez Show. That guy is about as funny as athlete’s foot. How the hell did he get a late night show? The commercials aren’t even funny. There’s one where everybody is storming his house because they are SO EXCITED that Lopez has his own show. They have torches and what not to try and illustrate a “mob” like mentality. The cut to Lopez in his window and he gives his spiel then he says, “Bro, your hair is on fire,” and they cut to some guy in the mob who’s hair has been caught on fire by, assumedly, one of the torches. That’s the funny part. I'll allow a moment while you chuckle it up.





Okay, then they cut to the info for the show, time, date, blah, blah, then they cut back to Lopez who says, “Stop drop and roll!”


Is that supposed to be funny? Isn’t that actually what you do when you are on fire? What’s funny about that? Like, say, since they are a “mob” they had pitchforks (I don’t recall if they do, but probably not) and after the cut scene Lopez says, “Dude, you have a pitchfork sticking out of your chest!” Which, by the way, is a lot funnier, at least to me, than a guy with his hair on fire. But that’s neither here nor there. Then they cut away, cut back, and Lopez says, “Somebody, apply pressure to the wound!” Is that humorous? No, that's just what you do when somebody has been stabbed!

Here’s another one. A few days ago I was watching the Phillies/Rockies game and JA Happ gave up a couple early hits at the beginning of the inning. He didn’t give up any runs and at the end of the inning the announcer commented that Happ “pitched around a couple of lead off hits.”


A couple of lead off hits? There is no such thing as a “couple” of lead off hits. You give up one lead off hit, then you give up a second hit. The lead off guy is the first guy up. That’s why he’s the “lead off.” I know, picky-picky. Why do I need to be so damn nit-picky?

Here’s one that is just kind of funny. In last night’s Phillies/Dodgers game, Charlie Manuel put in Ryan Madson and he started getting hammered by the Dodgers hitters. The announcer comments that, in the bullpen, “Scott Eyre is getting ready in a hurry.” They cut to a shot of Scott Eyre and he is standing in the bullpen with his arms crossed talking to a guy with a clipboard. The whole time they had him in the shot he threw nary a warm-up pitch. As a matter of fact, he never even came in the game despite Madson giving up 4 hits and 2 ER.

AND, despite all this rambling, what I really wanted to talk about, despite the fact that it is already a horse beaten, flogged, and left for dead, who’s bloated, swollen carcass is dredged up and beaten and flogged again just for the sake of flogging. And that is Falcon Heene the “balloon boy.”

Well…when I started writing this blog, it was going to be a diatribe against the Heene’s and how anybody with two eyes and a nose should be able to see (or smell) what a crock this was/is. Of course it’s a bit moot now (damn it, timeliness, timeliness, did I learn nothing in journalism?) All the same let’s count the reasons this smells of manure, shall we?

#1. The Dad is a terrible actor. Terrible. Not only did he not seem sincere when first coming out with his son, but I watched him mumble and stumble through three different interviews, and he came off as a sod in each and every one.

#2. The son said he didn’t come out because he was told by his parents to stay hidden because they were “doing it for a show.” Ouch. By the way, if you can find a clip of this it’s pretty classic. The mom just stops moving like she’s been frozen and the dad just mumbles, “yeah,” like his son didn’t just incriminate him.

#3. The next day on Good Morning America, when Diane Sawyer asked what Falcon meant by “doing it for a show,” his dad replied, “I asked him after last night’s interview, what he was talking about, there were a lot of cameras in front of our yard, and we were of course getting interviewed.” That was it. That was the entire explanation. Geez dude, you had all day to come up with a better explanation, and all you could come up with was something that didn't even answer the question?

#4. They were recording the proceedings, but somehow they conveniently missed the part where the son pretended to get in the balloon.

#5. Why would he pretend to get in the balloon and then hide in the attic? Why not just hide in the attic?

#6. How could the older son not tell whether he got in the balloon or not? Either he did or he didn’t.

#7. They were supposed to only float the balloon a few feet off the ground but forgot to properly tether it down…what? I mean, this isn’t rocket science. The only thing you needed to do was tie a balloon to a piece of wood and somehow you forgot to do it? It’s the only step in the ENTIRE process.

#8. What are the chances that it would all come together like this: They were (conveniently) testing their balloon for the first time. They were videotaping but (conveniently) they didn’t get Falcon pretending to get in the balloon on tape. (Conveniently) the only person that saw it happen was the older son who (conveniently) did not see fit to mention this to mom or dad. Also very (conveniently), the son, who was standing within eyeshot of the balloon, could see him pretend to get in, but not walk away from the balloon and in to the garage. Then (conveniently) they forgot to tie down the balloon, which, again, was pretty much the only step in the entire “experiment.” An “experiment” which was floating a balloon with helium. Hey mad scientist, I’ve seen clowns pull that one off.

The father reiterated a number of times, too many, really, there could be no possible reason for him to pull off a hoax like this because he has “nothing to sell.” Right. Because you certainly couldn’t just be a publicity hound. After all……………..

#1. You have been on Wife Swap. Twice.

#2. You had pitched a reality show to TLC.

#3. According to The Guardian, you have a small television studio in your basement.

#4. You created (and posted) this monstrosity:

#5. You are storm chasers who spend your free time trying to contact extraterrestrials.

#6. Instead of just saying “we are happy our son is safe, the end,” outside of your house you ASKED REPORTERS TO WRITE QUESTIONS AND PUT THEM IN A BOX (WTF?!) to answer later, then went on CNN, NBC and ABC to explain how much this wasn’t a hoax for publicity.

If all that doesn’t seem ignorant enough to you, now that it has come to light that he openly spoke of, and probably wrote e-mails about, pulling off a hoax to garner publicity….probably telling people you are going to pull off a hoax is counterproductive to actually trying to fool people in to believing a hoax, by the way….well, that really puts the cherry on top.

To conclude…here is a handful of AP ready headlines for this tomfoolery:

Falcon Soars

Falcon Gets Grounded

Falcon Found Roosting in Barn

Falcon Crest a Letdown

Falcon Pulls Up Lame

Vomiting Falcon Hard To Swallow

Captain America Can’t Help Falcon This Time (what?…I’m a comic book nerd!)