I have, at some time in my life, seen all of the original
four Christopher Reeves’ Superman films. However, I have never revisited them. That is to say, although I have seen all of
them, I have probably seen none of them since the inception of the VCR, when I
watched them as a young lad with my father.
Even at a young age I remember enjoying the first two and not so much
the latter two.
I’m not so sure how well the films really hold up,
especially considering the strides made in special effects, and I am perfectly
happy allowing my diminished memories of them not be ruined by a second viewing
three decades later in order to prove or disprove the notion. Regardless, I have been given the impression
that the first two are the standards by which Superman films will forever be measured.
Now that technology is all growed up, surely we can create a
better Superman movie, right? One that doesn’t rely on ropes and pulleys
and green screens and city models. I
mean, sure, Bryan Singer’s Superman
Returns has already come and gone. A
solid but unremarkable entry in to the series marred by a noticeable lack of
action and an inordinately lengthy run time, met with many unenthused “mehs”
and forgotten about quickly and quietly.
But we’ve learned from those mistakes, yeah? We’ve learned about making superhero movies with
better dialogue and effects, with richer characters and better pacing. Christopher Nolan has shown us the way, and
his involvement along with David Goyer’s has to be a positive.
Man of Steel opens
on a dying Krypton. In the first few
minutes we are assailed by numerous plot points. Superman (referred to in the movie either as
Kal-El or Clark Kent, but referred to by me as Superman) is born, and then we
quickly cut to a scene where Supes’ dad, Jor-El (Russel Crowe), is arguing with
Krypton’s council. Krypton is dying due
to…over usage of limited resources? Some
manner of population control?
“Degenerative bloodlines?” Who
the hell knows. What’s important is that
the military leader on Krypton, Zod (Michael Shannon), thinks they should
conquer a nearby planet and Jor-El believes they can live peaceably with
another civilization, should they put forth the effort to find a suitable one.
So Jor-El fights Zod, escapes from his grasp, and ships
Superman off to Earth. Zod eventually
catches up to and kills Jor-El. Somehow,
Zod and his band of military ne’er do wells are captured, although we are not
privy to how this happens or how long it takes.
Then, in the first of many completely inane plotting points, the Krypton
council decides to ship them to the “Phantom Zone.” They killed a number of Kryptonians, plotted
a coup, and their punishment is to be shipped off of a planet that literally
explodes the very next scene. Ah, a wise
choice.
I think, at this point, most of us know the story of
Superman and one pro of the film is they don’t spend a whole lot of time
rehashing Clark Kent’s (Henry Cavill) discovery of his powers. They are told in brief, surprisingly human,
flashbacks. They manage to give the feel
of him discovering his powers over time in an organic manner rather than just deciding
one day to, say, lift a car off a dying man.
After an unknown number of years, Zod and his group of lackeys,
fresh from escaping the Phantom Zone, eventually hunt down Superman on
Earth. In another plot point I never
understood, they hunted him down because, before his death, Jor-El imbued
Superman with the DNA “codex” of the Kryptonian people. I have no idea what this means. If you’re
a Kryptonian you just have the sex with another Kryptonian and you
create a Kryptonian, right? Or does it have something to do with the population
control and the “degenerative bloodlines?”
Again…it’s hard to say and doesn’t really seem to matter. It’s mostly just the reason Zod has to invade
Earth and kill Superman.
Zod lands his ship in Metropolis which, rightfully so,
creates a bit of commotion. He demands
Superman be brought to him. Superman
goes to surrender himself and is taken in to Zod’s ship, along with Lois Lane
(Amy Adams)…a bit more on that later.
Lois escapes with the help of the ghost of Jor-El…more on
that later…then Superman follows suit, saving Lois from a tumbling escape pod
just before it crashes to the ground.
What follows is a pretty reasonable action sequence between Superman and
the Kryptonians. I found myself enjoying
the film well enough up to this point, even if I didn’t understand why, when
you throw a Kryptonian in to a train car, it explodes like a bomb.
Superman defeats a couple of the Kryptonians, and they
retreat. This is one and a half hours in
to the film. A reasonable length. Had the curtain dropped at this point I would
have walked away saying the film felt half-baked and was unfulfilling. Lucky for me the movie is another hour long,
so that I could walk away saying it was a festering pile of dog feces.
I can overlook a lot of crap in a film, especially a comic
book-based action film. I can overlook that
Amy Adams is miscast and wooden. I can
overlook that Lois Lane is unnecessarily shoed in to every single scene she appears
in. I can overlook exploding trains that
shouldn’t explode. I can overlook
Superman saving two soldiers, Lois Lane TWICE, and a random family in a museum,
all JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.
Here are some things I can’t overlook.
After Zod runs away with his tail between his legs, he
decides to unleash the “World Engine” on the Earth. The World Engine. The ultra-dramatic shot of Michael Shannon
forcing the line “Release the World Engine” up from his larynx is one of the
most embarrassing scenes I have been privy to, especially considering I was
just touting him as an actor who was overlooked for an Academy Award Nomination
for his role in Take Shelter.
OBVIOUSLY terraforming. |
shot of a military compound. General Swanwick (Harry Lennix), looking pensively at some sort of computerized satellite feed projecting on a big screen, asks “What did they just hit us with?” In the span of ten seconds, TEN SECONDS, Dr. Emil Hamilton, who I am assuming is some sort of military scientist, replies, “Oh my lord, they’re terraforming the Earth!” How in the hell did he decipher that?
Now, a quick flashback.
When Superman originally finds the ship he crashed in he
finds a small, two inch rod, shaped like the Superman emblem. This is a “command key,” and, apparently, when
you put it in any random orifice in any ship, it brings forth the consciousness
of Jor-El. And not just, like, a
semblance of him. He walks and talks and
makes decisions and espouses his opinion.
During the scene in which Lois Lane escapes from Zod’s ship, he not only
helps her escape, but actually tells Lois Lane how to defeat Zod. This is both the most pathetic and literal
interpretation of Deus Ex Machina I
have ever bared witness to.
Back to the current plot strand.
Lois Lane….yes, reporter form the Daily Planet…convinces both
Superman AND THE MILITARY, that she…a reporter from the Daily Planet…knows how
to stop Zod. And here it is: Superman’s old ship is powered by a “Phantom
Drive.” Zod’s ship is powered by a
“Phantom Drive.” If they crash
Superman’s ship in to Zod’s ship, it will create a black hole which will suck
the Kryptonians back in. So why do
colliding Phantom Drives cause black holes?
I don’t know. Where will it suck
them “back” to? I don’t know. Why will
the black hole not suck up all of Metropolis?
I don’t know. But just like that
they all agree this is the best course of action because Lois Lane claims a dead
alien told her so.
The plan is two-fold.
Superman is going to go ahead and destroy the World Engine and, in the
meanwhile, the military are going to load up his old ship in a giant bomber and
crash it in to Zod’s ship. And, of
course, Lois Lane is going to go with them on this extremely dangerous military
mission to destroy aliens. Because, you
know, she’s a reporter. From the Daily Planet.
As Superman approaches the World Engine, two tentacles
spring forth from its carapace in defense. Sigh. Yes, you read that correctly. We are now treated to an action sequence
where Superman battles CGI tentacles for what seems like an eternity. Eventually, he defeats the tentacles (I can’t
believe I had to write that sentence) and destroys the World Engine, just as
the other group crash the two Phantom Drives together, creating a black hole
that kills all the soldiers, the military scientist, and all the Kryptonians,
but in spite of any semblance of logic, shoots Lois Lane AWAY FROM IT.
We then cut to a shot of Superman looking up in to the black
hole and he sees Lois Lane falling away from it. Meanwhile, from where he is standing, on the
ground, there is debris getting sucked in to the black hole. So…let me get this correct. The debris which weighs more than Lois Lane
and is further away is getting sucked in to the black hole, but she is falling
away from it. And just to add a cherry
on top, Superman flies in, grabs her, and then can barely fly away from its
gravitational pull. Lois Lane must be,
like, really dense. She must have some
sort of condition. Like, mercury for
blood or something.
To top it all off the film is poorly written and flatly
directed. There is not one moment of
humor throughout. The film only even takes
one shot at humor. One. Here’s how it goes. At the very end Superman confronts General
Swanwick about trying to spy on him with satellites. After the confrontation he
flies off, leaving Swanwick and an unnamed female soldier standing there,
looking after him. The female soldier is
grinning broadly and when Swanwick asks why she tries, quite unsuccessfully I
might add, to act shy and flustered, and answers “I think he’s kind of
hot.” What, are you kidding me? You have
to be kidding me. Jesus tap dancing
Christ somebody leave something on the editing room floor!
It just felt like a bunch of studio execs sat around saying,
“Hey, remember when Bryan Singer tried to reboot Superman? And the main
complaint was that it was boring? Let’s
put some action in this one!” But the
action sequences aren’t well choreographed.
They feel like they’re thrown in because superhero movies need action
sequences, with no real idea of how to orchestrate them.
Zack Snyder, whose eye-catching 300 now seems like an eon ago, interjects no energy in to the
proceedings. As a matter of fact, I
would argue the direction actually defuses what little energy there may have
been. With the exception of the
flashback scenes, which I felt to be the most fully realized parts of the film,
everything seems to have the color drained from it, with filters of blue and
sepia removing all traces of warmth.
Look, I know Nolan wrote and produced, but Superman isn’t Batman, and
this film should be colorful instead of muted.
I haven’t seen Superman
Returns since the theater. I
remember walking out thinking it was really boring, but at least it looked good
and was well cast. When I got done with Man of Steel, I think I was literally
sitting in my basement shaking my head.
How did everything go so wrong? I
went from marginally enjoying the first half of this film to hating it. I felt like I was watching some old, sub-par
episode of Star Trek. Command keys, phantom drives, world
engines, ghosts, terraforming, black holes, codexes filled with the DNA of dead
Kryptonians fused to the living cells of Superman. One of the main action sequences revolving
around a battle against CGI tentacles?
Really?
Although I can’t recommend this film, I did like Cavill’s
casting as Superman. He’s handsome and
muscular and when his hair is coifed just so he looks as much like Superman as
any actor to ever play the part. But
knowing that the next film is set to be directed by Snyder yet again, with
Goyer writing and a freshly cast Ben Affleck as Bruce Wayne, I can’t help but
wonder how DC always seems to get it wrong, and Marvel always seems to get it
right…just like when I grew up reading comics in the 90s.